An Open Inquiry Into the Whereabouts And Well Being of Paul Maholm

February 19, 2013 at 11:09 am by Franklin Rabon under Atlanta Braves

I’m unsure if Paul Maholm is on the team, in fact I’m unsure if he’s even still alive. He’s listed on the roster, but despite our various and sundry beat writers chronicling virtually every moment of spring training through the lens of their cell phone cameras, I am yet to see or hear a single thing about Maholm. Well, except that one time he tweeted in support of Jason Heyward’s Face of MLB run (in which I can only suppose that Heyward becomes Vice Chancellor of MLB and that his face is on all game used balls during the entirety of the season). But I remain unconvinced as to the authenticity of that tweet. The guy’s only appearance is through such an untrustworthy channel as twitter, and its a shill for the company’s interests? Please. Not a single confirmed 3rd party tweet, picture, story or whisper of this man to be found anywhere in this informational super-age?

Now, I am aware of virtually every single movement Chipper Jones (an individual who is neither an actual coach or a player on the team) has made. I’m fairly certain you could go through McAlpin, Bowman, DOB, et al’s twitpics and in fact make a 3 dimensional flip book rendering of Chipper’s entire time in camp thus far. But our 4th starter (perhaps even our third)? not a whisper. This must run deep, if not even David O’Brien is getting to the bottom of it. If you really take a look at things, one possibility is that Evan Gattis is in fact a terminator sent from the future to both abduct Maholm, and create narratives for O’Brien to endlessly enchant us with, such that he cannot fathom other interests, except maybe rehashing worries about TOO MANY KS YOU GUYS.

If anyone has any clues to the whereabouts or well being of Paul Maholm, please contact Andrew (@decisions_brave) via twitter, as he holds the official #Maholmwatch, currently on day 9.

*I apologize for this departure from the normal tone and nature of CAC, but A) it’s spring and B) THIS IS SERIOUS YOU GUYS WHERE THE HECK IS HE?!

Also, listen to the podcast