July 21, 2009 at 4:24 pm by Capitol Avenue Club under Atlanta Braves, Chipper Jones, Injuries, Joke
Every blog needs an official joke according to Joe Posnanski, so I’ve taken a page out of his book and I’m pleased to present you with the official Capitol Avenue Club joke*.
*This isn’t the original form of the joke, but I’ve tailored it for my purposes and adopted it as my own.
Some time in the not so distant future, David Wright goes down south for a duck hunting trip one October. He rents a pair of waders, borrows a 12-gauge from Adam LaRoche, and gets all the camouflage he needs for the hunt at his local Wal-Mart. He spends the night at a hotel near the lake he’ll be hunting on, wakes up at 3:30 AM, gets ready, and heads to the lake. After he gets to his blind around 5:00 AM, he waits until the sun comes up and the ducks to start moving. For three hours he furiously pursues his limit, but to no avail. Just as he’s ready to call it a day, one duck shy of his limit, he sees a crippled wood duck flying and figures he might have a shot at getting his limit. He takes a rather long shot and somehow connects with the duck, sufficient to knock it to the ground, though it lands away from the water.
So he gets in his boat and travels over to the shore where he anchors the boat and begins to look for the duck. As he’s heading in the general direction of the duck he sees a fence that encloses a rather large field. So, assuming the duck landed in the field, he starts towards the fence as a tractor, heading in his direction from the other side of the fence, becomes visible. As he approaches the fence so does the tractor and a man steps off to greet David. Low and behold, that man is Chipper Jones.
David says: “Chipper Jones! I haven’t seen you since you hit that walk-off go-ahead, decisive homer at Shea Stadium Citi Field in game 7 of the 2013 NLCS. How have you been?”
Chipper replies: “Not too bad, David. What brings you down here?”
“Well, I’m just trying to get my mind off of the massive meltdown the Mets just experienced again, so I thought I’d come down here and do a little hunting to clear my mind.”
“So I guess you’re responsible for this.”
Chipper holds up his right hand, which he has wrapped around the neck of a slain wood duck. David’s eyes light up, he’s finally found the duck and has his limit.
“Oh, great!”, David replies, “You found my duck.”
“What do you mean your duck?”, Chipper said, “it landed on my property.”
“Well I killed it, so it’s mine, right?” David replied.
“No sir. My property, my duck.”
“Come on, Chipper, that’s my limit you’re holding.”
“Nope. It’s my first of the day.”
“Chipper, don’t be an ass, or I may just call the police.”
Chipper sort of chuckles at the notion and proposes a counter-offer.
“I’ll tell you what, around here, we settle things by the 3-kick rule“.
“I beg your pardon?”
“You’ve never heard of the 3-kick rule?”, Chipper replies in shock.
“No, I’m afraid I haven’t.” David admits.
“Well, here’s how it works. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times. We go back and forth until someone “gives”. Whoever prevails, wins.”
David’s eye starts to sparkle.
“You mean to tell me that an old man like you wants to challenge me to a kicking contest?”
“You bet. You’ve got no idea what’s coming.”
“OK, then.” David replies, “You’re on”.
David stands ready with his hands covering his groin area as Chipper readies himself to commence kicking. Chipper takes a step forward and delivers a forceful kick–aided by his steel-toe boots–right into the kneecap of Wright. David keels over in pain and grabs his kneecap. Just as he bends down, Chipper comes back with another, this time right in the face. Wright leans back, nose bleeding and in an extraordinary amount of pain. Before he even realizes what happens, Chipper delivers a third blow right between the legs. Wright immediately falls to the ground and begins to vomit. After 5 minutes of recovery, Wright finally looks up and musters up what energy he has left and says in a raspy, barely audible voice,
“Alright you son of a b****, my turn now.”
Chipper sort of smiles at him and says,
“Nah, that’s alright”, and he throws the wood duck and hits David Wright in the side of the face.
“I give. You can have the duck”