An Open Inquiry Into the Whereabouts And Well Being of Paul Maholm
February 19, 2013 at 11:09 am by Franklin Rabon under Atlanta Braves
I’m unsure if Paul Maholm is on the team, in fact I’m unsure if he’s even still alive. He’s listed on the roster, but despite our various and sundry beat writers chronicling virtually every moment of spring training through the lens of their cell phone cameras, I am yet to see or hear a single thing about Maholm. Well, except that one time he tweeted in support of Jason Heyward’s Face of MLB run (in which I can only suppose that Heyward becomes Vice Chancellor of MLB and that his face is on all game used balls during the entirety of the season). But I remain unconvinced as to the authenticity of that tweet. The guy’s only appearance is through such an untrustworthy channel as twitter, and its a shill for the company’s interests? Please. Not a single confirmed 3rd party tweet, picture, story or whisper of this man to be found anywhere in this informational super-age?
Now, I am aware of virtually every single movement Chipper Jones (an individual who is neither an actual coach or a player on the team) has made. I’m fairly certain you could go through McAlpin, Bowman, DOB, et al’s twitpics and in fact make a 3 dimensional flip book rendering of Chipper’s entire time in camp thus far. But our 4th starter (perhaps even our third)? not a whisper. This must run deep, if not even David O’Brien is getting to the bottom of it. If you really take a look at things, one possibility is that Evan Gattis is in fact a terminator sent from the future to both abduct Maholm, and create narratives for O’Brien to endlessly enchant us with, such that he cannot fathom other interests, except maybe rehashing worries about TOO MANY KS YOU GUYS.
If anyone has any clues to the whereabouts or well being of Paul Maholm, please contact Andrew (@decisions_brave) via twitter, as he holds the official #Maholmwatch, currently on day 9.
*I apologize for this departure from the normal tone and nature of CAC, but A) it’s spring and B) THIS IS SERIOUS YOU GUYS WHERE THE HECK IS HE?!
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Go home Rabon, yer drunk
A) I am home, the basement is where I pretty much reside 365/24/7 open on sundays. B) I think I’m at a state where I am no longer ever what can be appropriately called drunk nor sober. My body has reached a sort of alcoholic homeostasis where my blood permanently runs equal parts blood and alcohol.
I don’t know who that @DOBoner guy on Twitter is, but he should win all the Oscars for hilarity alone
It’s worth noting that his Twitter profile picture which has a man in a Braves spring training uni is also suspicious. Who is this man, and what is he doing with that child?
(Also, I enjoy the levity. Feel free to depart from the normal, always excellent tone any time.
fantastic
Found a single picture of him:
http://www.ajc.com/gallery/sports/baseball/braves-continue-spring-workouts/g7yG/#3113586
Is that Gattis I see in the background?! OH GOD YOU GUYS THIS IS WHEN IT HAPPENED!
until I see a picture of him holding today’s paper I’m not convinced.
Lol burn.
Brilliant.
While we’re looking, could we try and find the missing 1/4 of his sleeves? If they can’t be found, I’m not opposed to cutting 1/4 of his current sleeves off, but that seems like a radical approach.
Ah, the infamous 9/16 sleeve length. Always a viable option.
lol, funny stuff.
Perhaps Maholm is sitting somewhere in Mesa, AZ right now thinking “well, this was an awkward mistake what do I do now?”
If the front office wanted to trade Maholm, you’d hear about him. The front office would tell the media to release propaganda that either pumps up his value so they can fleece someone in a trade or that trashes him if the front office thinks they will be fleeced and need to save face if he is traded. And he must not kiss media arse too much so the media doesn’t bizarrely quote his every thought like they did with mediocrities like David Ross or Will Ohman. And he’s obviously not as big as Smoltz or Chipper, so everytime he graces the media with his presence, he ain’t gonna get the media to scream and cry and giggle and fawn over him like schoolgirls seeing the Beatles in the early 60s.
u trippin
Wow, this is so much better than my remarks!
Maybe he’s stuck in Central America with visa problems…
yawn
What is a “Paul Maholm?”
A little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest men
did fat juan eat him?
“alcoholic homeostasis” = my new euphemism for doing #2.
“I went to bed, but I had to get up and run to the bathroom for alcoholic homeostasis.”
I am an English professor.
I am a baseball coach.
I enjoy science fiction.
I was born watching the Braves.
Please feel welcome to repeat.
*slow clap* proud to witness the first drunk posting in CAC history…and thank god for alcoholic homeostasis, it’s the only way i sleep….
lol if you think that would have been the first post any of us wrote drunk. But sadly, no I wasn’t actually drunk when that was written.
well that’s good, it makes my comment a little bit funnier!
BTW, did you happen to notice that Gattis AND Chipper were both at “Dark Star” today?
they say DOB tripped over his tongue
Paul Maholm is supposed to start Saturday. I guess we’ll find out if he really exists then.
I got a guy down there who says they rented the Tupac hologram, a Maholm jersey and a bunch of mirrors for his start.
A few days ago, Maholm replied to this post saying “flying under the radar, as usual”, but I cannot find it anymore. I guess he deleted it, not sure why.
it still shows up as the second to most recent thing he tweeted when I view his timeline?
https://twitter.com/paul_maholm/status/303950945857974272
By the way, the reply was a tweet.
Foundi it!
twitter.com/paul_maholm/status/303950945857974272
It’s official – there is a missing person report on Maholm but I have all the faith in the world with Lt. Lois Einhorn of Orlando PD on the case.
I am pretty sure s/he worked in Miami.
-Dan Marino
Sorry, I’m having trouble keeping it straight with your gun digging into my hip.
This had to have been the most uninformative article I have ever read. It said absolutely nothing. How about instead of writing nothing about a player, how about writing something interesting? You just said that you haven’t read anything so why not write something? My rating of this article: B-O-R-I-N-G.
Is your satire meter busted?
durrrrrrrr
Do you think Jurr Maddox can regain his Mac Kemp form?
perhaps you would prefer if they wrote 40000 words about how gattis is in camp and Chipper isn’t going to do a comeback like most of the other blogs?
The distinct lack of those articles is what keeps me coming back.
I heard it was visa issues that delayed his reporting to camp…